Couples Counseling | EMDR | Infidelity | Extra-Marital Affairs | Adoption | Parenting | Suicidal Thoughts

I can't believe this is happening, how will I get through this?

Finding out your partner had an affair is devastating. For some it can even be traumatic, causing you to feel like you can't get your feet back on the ground. It is common to go through various stages of denial, disbelief, anger, sadness, grief, fear, and more.

You might feel a knee jerk reaction to fix it, to be everything your partner would want, even to have sex more often to just make it better and to all go away. Emotions run high and things get very confusing. It's important to get some support and talk to someone you trust. At some point reality will hit you and you'll realize you won't be able to avoid this any longer.

Understanding what happened is important. Understanding is not about justifying; it's putting together the puzzle. This will be a big part of healing because without understanding, affairs and your partner remain unpredictable, and your fear will not subside. Part of healing will be understanding how the affair happened so you can feel safe to trust again, both of you knowing how to prevent going down that path again.

Common symptoms & reactions after discovering affair:

Panic attacks, intense fear, overwhelmed
Nausea or vomiting
Rapid emotional shifts: anger-sadness-fear-guilt etc.
Flashback images in your mind
Nightmares
Increase in sex with your partner
Obsessive thoughts and questions
Confusion, trouble making decisions
Difficulty sleeping
Changes in appetite, overall mood, and motivation
Episodes of depression and/or anxiety

Of course there are other common symptoms, and everyone will react in their own unique way. However, when a relationship that was believed to be secure and safe suddenly becomes ruptured like this, it can be traumatic and lead to many of these symptoms. If you are struggling with more than a few of these symptoms for more than a month or so, you may have some trauma symptoms that could benefit from therapy.

What can I do to cope and recover?

Seek out support: friends, family, therapist, pastor, support groups etc.
Don't blame yourself. No matter how rough your relationship was, your partner made a choice they need to take responsibility for.
Give yourself a break from the anger, it can exhaust you. Learn ways to relax and manage anger so you get some reprieve each day.
Be careful of the details you seek. These can stay in your mind and become obsessions and vivid images you'd rather live without.
Follow guidelines under Depression Help
Follow guidelines under Anxiety Help
Seek professional help from a therapist trained and experienced in working with couples and affairs.

How can therapy help me?

Ease the trauma symptoms: flashbacks, nightmares, irritability etc.
Teach coping and relaxation skills
Provide a safe place to work through the grief
Give you an opportunity to focus on yourself, not worrying about anyone else such as family, friends, judgments
Help you decide what is best for you regarding your relationship
Help you discover what you need to rebuild the trust and security in your relationships
Help you feel a sense of control again in your life and your future
Give you a safe person to walk beside you on this path toward healing

I want to try and save my relationship, how can therapy help us?

Help you and your partner through the grief process of losing the trust and bond you once had
Gain some understanding of what made the affair possible
Understand and learn ways to cope with the aftermath, the impact on you, the relationship, and your partner
Discover what was possibly going on before the affair, maybe you both had become distant and lonely
Get some guidance and coaching on how to approach your partner with your questions, concerns, fears
Have a safe environment for you both to work through this difficult time, helping you talk, listen, and heal.
Help you regain trust and security in your relationship once again