I had the affair and hurt my partner, what can I possibly do to help my relationship?

• Most importantly, be accountable.  Take ownership that you stepped outside of your relationship.  Even though you may have been hurt and unhappy as well, turning away from your partner and seeking help and comfort through a new intimate partner was a choice you made.  There were other options.
• Be completely honest, no more lies.  Once your actions become known and you have decided to rescue your relationship, you need to come clean.  For your relationship to heal your partner must know that all the information is out, there isn't another shoe to drop next week or next year.  You must be able to reassure your partner there will be no more surprises.
• Be willing to let your partner call the shots for while.  Your partner will know what would be helpful in rebuilding trust.  The more willing you are to answer questions, to call when you're late, to let your partner have a say in your social interactions for while, the more able your partner will be to begin to trust you again.
• If you haven't already, end the outside relationship and any contact between you.  If the other person continues to contact you, be open with your partner and together decide on a plan of how to set clear boundaries with that person.
• Have patience and compassion for your partner.  Try not to get upset when your partner struggles to trust you, to believe you, or has fluctuating emotions of sadness, anger, contempt, guilt etc.  There will be a lot of intense emotions, likely for both of you, which is a very normal part of grief and healing from situations like this.
• Understand yourself better to prevent relapse and to be able to truly help your partner trust you again.  As long as you don't know how this happened or why, you and your partner will not be able to truly trust you will not do this again.  Seek help with a trusted professional, mentor, pastor, or whomever you feel can truly help you understand your feelings, your needs, and your actions.  Once you understand yourself better in this way, you will be able to know what you need and be able ask for your needs to be met in healthy way.

All of this could be quite true.  For a couple to repair their relationship and rebuild a new one, I think it is often the case that together they need to understand what was missing in the relationship.  At a minimum, they can learn ways to get through to each other, before turning to someone else. 

Couples all get stuck in frustrating patterns of communication, where they both feel they can't get through, can't be heard, or feel they'll never understand each other.  Getting help with those patterns will help you both understand the relationship before the affair, and possibly understand what led to the affair. 

With this help, you will hopefully feel validated in your unhappiness as well.  The key difference that is important to point out however, is that couples stuck in these patterns are all hurting each other unintentionally.  They simply can't figure out how to break the patterns on their own.  However, it is rare that someone is not fully aware how hurtful an affair will be.  For that, you must be willing to take responsibility.

Loss of the affair relationship.

It is not uncommon to have some grief of your own when letting go of the affair relationship.  Depending how emotionally intimate it was, how good it made you feel, or how heartbroken you or the other person are, this can be a loss to mourn as well.  It will likely be difficult for your partner to understand this or be patient with it, but it is important to work through that loss so that you are not pulled back into again later. 

How can therapy help us?

• Help you grieve the loss of the affair so you can truly return to your partner and commit to the relationship
• Help you and your partner through the grief process of losing the trust and bond you once had
• Gain some understanding of what made the affair possible
• Understand and learn ways to cope with the aftermath, the impact on you, the relationship, and your partner
• Discover what was possibly going on before the affair, such as how you both had maybe become so distant and lonely
• Get some guidance and coaching on how to help support your partner through this process
• Have a safe environment for you both to work through this difficult time, helping you talk, listen, and heal.
• Help you regain your partner's trust, and improve the security in your relationship once again